


Vwomen. Am I Right?

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2312660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bonus Round 5 fill for the HSWC. </p><p>"Cronus♦Tavros</p><p>"Women - can't live with them, they will not go out with me." - Vork (The Guild)"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vwomen. Am I Right?

Tavros was moping his formerly metallic ass off. Dreambubbles were good for that sort of thing. He had a nice table going on and was drinking some adult beverages, except he actually had never had one before, and had really only seen them in the Fiduspawn anime, where they were usually referred to as Fidumilks. So, he was having some fruit punch soda in a beer bottle.

"Hey. This seat taken?" A vaguely familiar voice from behind. Tavros turned to find... oh, who was this guy... not-Eridan.

"Oh, uh... yeah, sure. I mean, no. Go ahead. Uhh, it's not taken." Tavros gave a small nod.

Cronus sat down, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his sleeve and pulling one out, loose tobacco falling on the clean bar. "Wvant one?" Cronus tipped the box toward the big-horned troll, smirking.

"Oh, oh, no. Thanks though? I don't, uh... smoke."

"Me neither." He placed the cigarette between his lips. "It's just a human thing. You wvouldn't get it."

"I know plenty of humans, like... maybe... three. And none of them smoke, or just put cigarettes in their mouths."

"So, vwhat're you drinking?" Cronus grabbed a bottle. 

"Fruit punch soda. In an alcoholic beverage bottle. You know, uh, drinking my troubles away."

Lifting the bottle, Cronus nodded at Tavros. "To troubles. Wvhat's troubling you, anyvway?"

"Women. Always. Well, sometimes guys too... like my friend Gamzee. I think he, uh, made out with my severed--"

"Vwomen! So beautiful. But so... terrible. They crush your spirit, Travwis."

"Tavros."

"And sometimes your nose. So many mixed signals. They act nice vwhen you say hi to them, but then wvhen you try and grab a rumblesphere, suddenly it's all 'get off of me, you punkbass little beach' and 'you're lucky I like these heels and don't wvant your blood on them.'"

Tavros slammed his bottle on the table. "Right? Tell me about it! And sometimes...? They throw you off a cliff and paralyze you from the waist down, and then later, uh, they all come to your bedroom in fairy lingerie and make out with you! Like, what is... that, even?" He threw his arms upward, in utter exasperation. 

"Vwha--"

"Or they flirt with you! And then bam, your own lance... right through your chest! Dead! And you find this ring and you're going to give it to her and you, you even join her stupid pirate crew! And, then, there's her other shitty ex-boyfriend with his earbeast teeth and his no horns! Rrgh!" Tavros drank huge gulps from his soda.

"Uh, vwhat're you ewven talking about, not-Rufioh?"

"Oh! Oh! And speaking of humans! Sometimes you shoot a weird old man that is, uh, definitely up to some weird things. And it turns out to be her Grand Pah! What the... hell! Is a Grand Pah besides a weird old human? And then she doesn't like you either!"

"Okay, so... quick question. Am I going to get laid at the end of this convwersation?"

Tavros went wide-eyed. "Excuse me??"

"That's a no. Wvell. You're kind of freaking me out. So I'm going to... go." Cronus finished his drink and sat the empty down, giving a wave. "Later. Maybe. Probably not."

"No, wait. Come back. We can talk about your problems. You... uh... have a lot, really. Like... a lot."

Cronus paused, then sat back down. "So, maybe vwe'll--"

"Not a chance."


End file.
